Here are the Throw it on the Table 12. We’re going 12-0 this week. Time to Hit BANK!
RIP to everybody who had the under in last week’s Michigan State-Ohio State game. Urban and JT killed your hopes and dreams singlehandedly.
Michigan at Wisconsin -7.5
This is a no-brainer for me. If you listen to my radio show or read my column regularly, you know I haven’t bought into the cheese-head hype. In general, I’m not a Big Ten West guy, because that division sucks. I didn’t like Iowa two years ago and I didn’t love Wisconsin or Nebraska last year. It’s all been fools gold. I hear all this commotion about Wisconsin’s immortal defense. As I wrote in my previous article, context is key. Their defense hasn’t faced any real challenge. The best offense they played was Northwestern’s. Seriously, this would be about as impressive as the United States invading a country without a military budget. Wisconsin is good, not great. In fact, they’re probably not even a top-ten team in terms of pure ability. Michigan’s offense hasn’t been great, considering their QB play is somewhere between awful and God-awful due to injuries, but their defense has been one of the best. The only reason they’re ranked three and Wisconsin is ranked one is because Wisconsin hasn’t played against the same level of competition. Every knowledgeable college football fan knows these two teams’ schedules aren’t even comparable—it’s night and day. Also, a 7.5-spread is HUGE for two defensive dominated teams. I’ve buried Michigan this year for their underachieving, but this is too much. Michigan wins big.
Mississippi State at Arkansas +13.5
This is another easy pick. Arkansas puts the SEC’s big name to shame with how poor they’ve been. Their offense has a nasty habit of not showing up whenever they play a real team. It’s like they pulled a Jean-Paul and missed the game because they overslept. Austin Allen blamed it on the separate nob. Bret Bielema might as well recruit Lieutenant Dan to be their next QB, their offense is so crappy. Also, with the next season of The College Football Bachelor coming up, Dan Mullen is going to want to show off to all the teams that will potentially hire him how great he is as a head coach. Watch out, Dan Mullen wants the Rose. He’s going to look like that testosterone-driven hardo we’ve all seen at the gym who wants everybody to know it’s him crushing the 70-pound dumbbells. This translates to Dan Mullen running up the score in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Mississippi State wins and covers.
Virginia at Miami -19
First of all, Miami doesn’t lose at home—they’re flawless. I still don’t know about them on the road or at a neutral site. But on their own turf, they’re unstoppable. The last two games at home, Miami didn’t just cover the spread, they absolutely annihilated the spread. It was embarrassing that they weren’t favored in these games they dominated. In addition, Virginia is 3-3 in the ACC this year. I’m flying down to South Beach and pulling out my turnover chain for tomorrow afternoon. Miami easily blows Virginia out of the water by at least four possessions.
LSU at Tennessee +1
LSU is decent, Tennessee is awful. Tennessee still hasn’t won one game in the SEC and they just fired Butch Jones. There’s no way Tennessee loses this by anything less than 20 points. Sure, LSU is no great shakes on the road, but against a bottom-two team in the conference, all bets are off. I’ll take them to score at least six touchdowns. They annihilated Ole Miss on the road. LSU covers with ease.
Oklahoma at Kansas +37.5
I love what Oklahoma has done so far. I like Lincoln Riley, and Baker Mayfield will win the Heisman. Kansas, on the other hand, is probably the worst power-five team in the country. This will probably be the worst disaster in the state of Kansas since the tornado that took Dorothy to the Land of Oz. If Oklahoma plays a bad game and pulls starters, they’ll outscore Kansas every quarter by somewhere between 10 and 14 points. Oklahoma will not only cover, but put Lawrence, Kansas into a state of emergency. This is my lock for college football.
TCU at Texas Tech O/U 52.5
Take the over. I don’t love TCU’s offense on the road, but Texas Tech runs a swiss-cheese defense. It’s a new defensive scheme that’s really growing popular in the Big 12. There’s no way either team scores fewer than four TDs in total, and even that will be low-scoring.
Bengals at Broncos -2.5
Denver just came off an embarrassing loss to New England at home, but they’ll easily bounce back again at home. Cincinnati is horrible and Marvin Lewis is ready to pack up his stuff and grab his bindle. Denver isn’t a playoff team. In fact, they’re below average, but competent enough to beat a bad team at home and cover a tiny spread. Denver covers.
Eagles at Cowboys +5
Without Zeke, Dallas doesn’t even look like a top-ten team and Philadelphia has clearly been the best team in football so far. Philly is 2nd in time of possession and Dallas has a lousy third-down defense that is ranked 27th. Not only will Dallas’ defense not be able to get off the field, but their offense won’t even be able to stay on the field. This doesn’t even take into account Philly’s superior QB play. Philly easily wins and covers the spread. This is my NFL lock of the week.
Cardinals at Texans -1
I won’t even consider watching this game and the ratings will tank. However, with the Cardinals going on the road on their third QB, give me Tom Savage and Houston. Not because Tom Savage is Tom Brady—don’t confuse two Toms—but because Blaine Gabbert may make Tom Savage LOOK like Tom Brady. I’d take a team on their second QB at home over a team on their 3rd QB on the road. With a tiny 1.5 spread, Houston will cover.
Falcons at Seahawks -3
I haven’t been too high on the Seahawks this year, but I’ve been even lower on the Falcons. The Falcons are a mediocre team this year that happened to make the Superbowl last year. The idea that they’re going to go on the road and beat Seattle is a bit crazy. At -3, give it to me, Dan Quinn! Seattle wins and covers the spread.
Rams at Vikings -2.5
I like the Vikings a lot this year, they’re not even the surprise of the year, but probably the surprise of the decade. The Rams are a better team because they’re quarterback play is better, though they’re also on the road this week. This game will probably come down to the wire within 2 points. In a dilemma like this, I’m taking the points. Rams cover in a nail-biter.
Chiefs at Giants
The Giants are the only smart team in New York—they’re fully onboard the Tank Train. Ben McAdoo looks like he’s trying to get fired at this point, and it’s actually quite pathetic. It’s like he’s pulling a Costanza trying to get fired by the Yankees. Not only is he an awful football coach, but looks like a total dork—look at his mustache and his haircut. Guys who cover spreads and make you money just don’t look like Ben McAdoo. Andy Reid is also one of the best coaches in football, and I’m very pro Andy Reid. If the G-Men couldn’t even stay within a touchdown against San Francisco, what are they going to do against KC? Ben McAdoo deserves to be Lane Kiffined.
***this column is for entertainment purposes only, meant to increase the enjoyment of watching the games. Enjoy responsibly.
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